The Marlboro Man Ain’t Light in His Loafers No More, Fellas

Ah, my friends, a new age has come to the cigarette industry. Last Thursday, a US federal judge ordered strict new guidelines to cigarette manufacturers. A brief overview of two of the new guidelines that Judge Gladys Kessler set into place can be found here, but the most important one is below:

Cigarettes are forbidden from being labeled “light,” “ultralight,” “low tar,” “natural,” “mild,” and other descriptions that imply that these cigarettes are less dangerous than regular cigarettes.

Of course, this is being appealed by Altria, proud parent of the companies who manufacture Marlboro and Velveeta, Philip Morris and Kraft Foods, but if they lose, what will my wimpy friends be smoking? I smoke Cowboy Killers, but the rest of my friends smoke: Marlboro Lights, Marlboro Ultralights, Camel Lights and Salem Lights. Why? I guess it’s because they can’t handle the taste of a full flavor cigarette. I highly doubt that they believe that they are smoking something less harmful than what I smoke, but they could be stupid. (Now see the non-smokers are out there, are saying “Well, of course they’re stupid… they’re SMOKERS!” But whatever…)

Obviously, I’m not too concerned about the whole matter, because I choose to smoke Reds. What does concern me is what these companies will be naming these cigarettes come January 2007 when this guideline goes into effect. One place to look is the EU, where Marlboro Lights are sold as: Marlboro Gold; and Marlboro Ultralights are sold as: Marlboro Silver. I could not find what Camel Lights are called there, as a quick look at RJ Reynolds' [Camel, Salem, Kool, Natural American Spirit (oops, drop the “Natural” part there), Pall Malls, etc.] website currently displays the message:

The Web site of R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company is currently under review by the company. Please check back to the site later.

Poor grammar and the outdated use of “Web site” aside, it seems as if they are immediately complying with the new guidelines and changing their site to reflect them. Lorillard’s (Newport, Kent, Old Gold, True, etc.) website has the exact same message, with the exception of a switch in the tobacco companies’ names. Anyway, names must be changed to reflect these new guidelines, so I thought I would help.

Without further ado, here is my list of revised cigarette names:

Camel Lights – Dromedaries (while Camel regulars change their logo to include a Bactrian Camel instead)
Camel Ultra Lights - Llamas
Salem Lights - Greensboros
Natural American Spirit Lights – Métis
Newport Lights – Block Islands
Kool Lights – LuKewarms
Pall Mall Lights – Strip Malls
Lucky Strike Lights – Fluky Hits
Gauloises Lights – Montréals
Monte Carlo Lights – Renos
555 Lights – 666
Winston Lights – Egons
Parliament Lights – Congress
More Lights – Additionals
Benson & Hedges – Belvedere & Bushes
Marlboro Lights – Ranch Hand Killers
Marlboro Ultralights – Cowboy Abortions

Smoking is My Drug

Get Burnt, or How I’ve Spent My Summer

As you can see either I’ve had a rather busy 5 months, or I haven’t been jonesing to post here lately. It’s actually a bit of both. My summer has flown by, and although I’ve enjoyed it, it will have been too fast. My need to comment on random issues has been rather lax, either doused by the sun, heat, culture or adult beverages. The things that have been keeping me busy fit into a handful of categories, and they are as follows:

Burning – Fire Island has been treating me very well this summer, as have my wonderful hosts. I spent most weekends in May in Cherry Grove with my friends E&E, DEv and Dole. Although it was rainy at times, I had a very relaxing time. Instead of attending the Pride festivities this year, Jody invited Myrtle and I to his share in the Pines. We cooked, drank, and found a great board game called: The World According to Ubi , that we played for hours. It also rained and was cloudy for most of the weekend, which was sad, but being naked in a steaming hot tub with a torrential downpour above is quite amazing. I didn’t get back to the island until a couple of weeks ago, when a couple of my friends had a B Squared party with boxers and booze in the Pines. I’m not a big fan of the Pines and prefer the Grove. I guess that it’s just two different crowds. I went to the party after spending some quality naked time on the beach, where, although I kept on applying sunscreen, my back turned lobster red. The party was a hit with awesome drinks and great music. I probably won’t get back until September, but at least the crowd is calmer then.

Culturing – I went to my fair share of concerts this summer. I was lucky enough to hear about the Scissor Sisters at Bowery Ballroom. They rocked the house. I brought a friend who had never been to a concert before, and he loved it. We got to hear some songs from their upcoming album, Ta-Dah, which should be a blast, and comes out just in time for my birthday. I was fortunate to see The Streets one show in NYC at Webster Hall. Lady Sovereign opened for them, and although I love “Cha Ching,” she put on a horrible show. Mike Skinner, on the other hand put on a great show. The last concert that I went to was P!nk’s. I have never been a big fan of hers, but her latest album, I’m Not Dead, is quite good, so I made it a point to see her. She kicked all kinds of ass. In other concert related news, I went to Meatloaf’s album release party. You’ll never guess what it’s called… Bat Out of Hell III. It sounds very similar to the original and II, so if you’re a fan of Mr. Loaf, I recommend it. Mr. Loaf was looking very good. Aside from the concerts, I saw a great dance piece, called STREB vs. Gravity as part of the Lincoln Center Festival. I also was able to see Julie Taymor and Elliot Goldenthal’s new “opera,” Grendel. It should have been called a Theatrical Event and not an opera. It was visually exciting, but it took way too long to get moving. It was slow as molasses until the best scene 3/4’s of the way through the first act, where Denyce Graves’ scene as the dragon occurs. It was aurally and visually stunning. I also got to see Macbeth in Central Park with Liev Schreiber. Liev was good, but the production was a yawn.

Fooding – I cooked a lot this summer. I tried all sorts of new dishes and some old standards. Most of them were hits, so I was happy. I also went to a dozen or so new restaurants, which has inspired me to keep a restaurant blog. As soon as that is up, there will be a link here.

This afternoon, my mother and I will be taking a road trip to Providence. It will be our first trip together in 10 years, so I am looking forward to it.

I plan on getting back to my usual blog style hopefully by next week, and update it a little more consistently. Here’s hoping that your summer was just as exciting as mine!